Wednesday, April 14, 2010

When Legalese Kills

My sister, Mrs. Gee, has lovely hardwood floors throughout her entire SoCal home. In my new apartment, I have some lovely-enough laminate floors in the entry and kitchen. They're pretty slick--so slick that my little entry rug never wants to stay in place. When Mrs. Gee observed my rug problems on her recent visit up north, she couldn't say enough about this special rug double-stick tape that she uses to hold all her many rugs in place. I made a mental note to get some, but I think both Mrs. Gee and myself have little faith in my mental notes.

So, because she is thoughtful, when Mrs. Gee sent me a thank-you note for hosting her, she included a roll of the tape:

(Ummm, for the record, I have spent many nights at the Gee home and even treated it as my own personal hotel back when I had regular court appearances and depositions in the area, and never did I send a thank-you note. So... thank you, Gee fam.)

Mrs. Gee was right, the tape is a miracle. Why, then, is the packaging so lame? Not only does it not include any instructions for the tape (How much should I use? Should I apply pressure for a certain amount of time?), but it has one of the stupidest legal disclaimers I have ever seen:

If you can't make it out from my blurry photograph, it says "Decorative Items Not Included." Oh really? Because I thought there was an area rug and a wood floor stuffed into that 4"x4" quasi-box. Now I want my money back. Errr, Mrs. Gee's money back.

Did I mention this is a Wal*Mart product? I don't know if it says more about the average Wal*Mart customer or Wal*Mart's stellar opinion of the average Wal*Mart customer, but it surely says something and yet nothing about how to use the tape.

Also, does anyone know if Wal*Mart's legal department is hiring? Because I could seriously write these things. All day. While surfing the Internet, no less. And taping rugs to the floor. And wearing a blue vest.

1 comment:

  1. I will personally hire you if you promise to always wear a blue vest.